mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Come on in and take your pants off
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