Already got asked if we're dating
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
