I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
