I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
