Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
