If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He? As in you personified your dick?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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