3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
