Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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