Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
