Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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