I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
