he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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