you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
