Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
