he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
