i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think i got beer on your cat.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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