I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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