You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
