I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
