I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
