She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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