Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
