I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
