My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i believe in u and ur pee
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