dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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