I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
