They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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