My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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