I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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