i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
