Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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