I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
