i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
