I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i need an iv and a liver transplant
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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