I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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