I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
