i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
