I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
