dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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