She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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