So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
