a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Randomize
