dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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