you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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