i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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