Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
God gave him joint rollers for hands
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
