when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
