ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
