Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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