very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
