Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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