My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
