Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
