i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
